Yesterday in Her Circle, we focused on boundaries.
When I asked the group to describe what images or words come to mind when thinking about boundaries, they said: restriction, inflexible, rigid, a fence, a wall, a stop sign.
But when I asked why boundaries are important, they said: "It's when you cross the boundary that you can feel out of control"; "It's about safety and making sure you're comfortable"; "Boundaries help us stay within our capacity"; "Minding our health"; "Helping you know what we're here for, what you're not here for"; "Helping us to not promise things that we can't do."
All really positive things.
Sitting with the contradiction between the sense of harshness and rigidity that first came to mind and the softness of what boundaries are for opened a door for deep insights.
Someone offered replacing the wall metaphor with a rope, something with give, that can be pushed slightly and comes back. Flexible, not fixed.
Another invited us to consider boundary as a point in a relationship - not a wall between people but a moment in a relationship where you pause and communicate.
And the image that captured my heart with its wisdom - a boundary that is a thing on the horizon. Something you can see from far away and name conversationally, before anyone is close enough to cross it. You're not accusing anyone of anything. You're just saying: there's this thing out there.
What I heard being recognised in this image is that we have more control than we let ourselves know. Our boundaries are ours to protect. We can choose to name them early or wait until they have been crossed. We can close our eyes and pretend they are not there - as we have been taught by previous generations - or we can choose to listen to our body. Our body will usually let us know early, with what the group named as the "ick feeling." A feeling that we often tend to push through, name as inconvenient, too fussy, or simply get used to ignoring. Do this, and you'll find yourself having to deal with boundaries being crossed, feeling resentment and a stronger-than-ever people-pleasing addiction.
Where we got to is "the pause."
The pause is a moment, a few breaths; it can look like "Can I come back to you on this tomorrow?" It's us listening to our body. Meeting the ick and tapping its precious wisdom.
It's a place where we can break free from old patterns and choose differently.
A place where we can say: I'm not bad at keeping boundaries. I'm learning. I'm growing into them. I'm allowed to keep myself safe.
That's where we closed the session. I left inspired and full of hope. The image that comes to my mind is of cartographers coming together to map a new world, uncharted. Naming it, finding new horizons and lands - collectively creating the navigation tools and helping each other imagine who we want to become.
