"We have money like garbage" was a saying of my family.
We didn't really. My dad inherited my grandad's architecture business after he went bankrupt with a business he had built with a friend. He didn't trust the banks or the revenue. He kept his money a mystery. We never knew how much he had or how much he awed. He walked with cash in his pockets. The coins kept falling into the cracks of the sofa where he fell asleep in front of the TV. My siblings and I would stick our hands between the cushions to find the coins between crumbs and dust balls, and run to the shop to buy sweets.
My mom was a teacher with a modest salary and then worked for an educational books publisher. With her salary, she carried the majority of our spending. We were always in "the minus".
But she was the one to say, "we have money like garbage". She would say that when we needed money for the "right things": health, education and fun. For those, we always had money. She made sure the lack of money never limited our ability to dream big.
While my mother had a complicated relationship with money, always living with the fear of lack, never feeling secure, she was able to make great decisions with her money: get the right help, put money aside for when she needed it, afford having a good car, have good health care, go on trips and enjoy the life she wished for. And she was able to leave money to us three, her children.
I inherited the entrepreneurial spirit of my dad's family, and for most of my working life, I created myself the jobs that suited me. I always had enough to survive, but not more than that.
I surprised myself, after years of working as a freelancer, scraping enough to live from month to month, never saving, I made a leap and created a company, Think Visual. In the third year of Think Visual, I made three hundred thousand euros in sales. I truly didn't know I had it in me.
But don't be mistaken, I didn't keep it for myself. The majority of the money went to pay the people I gathered around me, pay the bills, and a very expensive accountant, who I assumed would be better than me at making money decisions. Every time I made a mistake and lost money — like hiring the wrong person — I told myself this is my payment for attending the university of life. And getting a good education is expensive.
And I made so many mistakes, but still I was able to provide myself with financial security for nearly 10 years. But imagining wealth? That was something out of reach.
I spent years feeling ashamed about that, watching peers grow businesses, sell businesses. Only in recent years have I realised that my path was not accidental, or my fault. As a woman, and as a woman in my family, I inherited so many beliefs that prevent me from feeling capable of managing money, and definitely having more money than I need to survive. Trusting myself with money and knowing how to make the right strategic decisions about money. On top of my beliefs, my nervous system has been constantly in survival mode. This combo is not good starting point when trying to build wealth.
And if that wasn’t enough, what to do with my soft heart? A heart that keeps noticing all the places money would help, people who need it more than me, animals that need saving, causes that are more important than my comfort and safety?
I wish I could write about all the above in the past tense. I wish I could say I figured it out. I haven't yet. But I do see a light at the end of the tunnel.
That light is because I now understand that the beliefs I'm holding about money, while inherited, are mine to change. Especially as I don't wish to pass them on to my daughter. And releasing beliefs is something that I know is possible. Nowadays, professional therapists tell us we carry these beliefs in our bodies, not just our minds and that there are many ways to release them: from holotropic breathing to somatic experiencing and embodied trauma work, with professionals like Jole Berlage-Buccellati, who will be running the next Lighthouse Talk with me on Tuesday, the ninth.
The first step we can take is to recognise our beliefs and start imagining a different future.
That's what the next Lighthouse Talk is about.
Jole Berlage-Buccellati has spent decades working at exactly this level, not the surface symptoms, but the patterns underneath. The beliefs that live in the body, not just the mind. Her approach doesn't manage what's stuck. It goes looking for why.
The talk is called Money Beliefs - The story you didn’t choose. You can expect an introduction from Jole, who will guide us through meeting some of these beliefs. We will have time to ask questions and reflect on this important topic.
It will happen on Tuesday, the 9th of June, 4-5 pm, online. It costs €10 unless you are part of the Her Circle Club. We’d love to see you there.
Book your place at https://bookwhen.com/thinkvisual/e/ev-svm5f-20260609160000
If what I've shared here has landed anywhere familiar - come. Bring someone who might need it too.